Why I Never Got Over The Girlfriend Experience.

Jul 24, 2019

It’s true I’m a man and I’m looking for women to make children. When I was 22 I decided it was time to date someone. I grew up surrounded by beautiful girls but it seems Big Brother disgusted them all. Shortly afterwards I attended engineering school and I never anticipated we would be 300 men for 20 women.

That’s why when I dated someone in real life, it felt like the ground floor experience.

I know what you think: be careful of that person, she’s no good and she will fool you. I dated this girl for almost 3 years (2002 – 2005) and today I’m still in a coma because she gave me the dirty love.

She never made a pink donation to the dragon in me. All I can remember was that she was sucking the life out of me. I graduated with a little bit of luck: I found an internship that really motivated me.

Are you ready for this slice of life post? Let’s start with the encounter: friends of friends of friends.

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Was The Army Behind This Encounter?

When I was 19, I had to attend a day with the army. They were explaining things to us like social diversity and reading a TV programme. While the former seems like a good idea, the latter one it seems was to assess our literacy rate. And that’s how ended up trying to find when Baywatch was screening.

Anyway, thanks to the army, I started to date this girl from Deir el-Amar (a region in Lebanon). I was a real Parisian having spent almost all my life in the same neighbourhood. You guessed it correctly: I was gross and perverted and couldn’t find an adjustment to date someone.

Suddenly I decided to take a risk and go full contact with her: voice, mouth and lips. During our honeymoon which lasted almost 6 months, we were at the top: perfect balance between work, love, friends and loneliness.

Yes the army has good ideas sometimes because I never managed to date a Parisian girl. But what happened that eventually led to a break up?

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Was The Army Looking For Girls?

I don’t know what happened that got us so weird but it seems we had an intimacy problem. And it was only going to get worse and worse. A friend of mine received the visit of a burglar at home but it seems it was the military that disguised. My friend had dated the daughter of a colonel and it ended up badly (like a good love story should).

I thought the porn industry was trying to corrupt us but, in Paris, they like social diversity and I guess it was the porn industry and the military that gave us this heartache.

My imagination at the moment is very simple: love and sex, suddenly massacre. We talk a little and then back to normal: love and sex, suddenly massacre. The 3rd time you start wondering if you shouldn’t become a priest or a noun.

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How I Became A Workaholic.

The only way out I found from this mess was to forget everything and focus on work. But life was decided to play a trick on me for a long time: I was lost in a sea of misery with Jesus. So I decided to show my skills and decided to do some ski jumping in Paris during Spring.

Finally the judges came and said: “OK this guy is not a statesman but a cosmic man”. They were wondering if I couldn’t open up space travels and even bring them beyond the Milky Way.

Anyway I guess I have a hard time dating someone because since the girlfriend experience (or the ground floor experience), the universe raped me and it went from bad to worse.

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One Reason To Be Free Of The Heart.

The reason why I was able to only date one person during my 39 years down here on Earth is now clear: some days are better than others. Some days you wake up in the army; some days it’s the enemy.

I guess the porn industry was also a factor: someone had a lot of dicks but that person ain’t had mine. Mam and dad, it feels like going into confession every time I speak. Strange losing streak: I must be weak or I lost my balance.

See I used to have a nice balance between work and holidays. But now I lost my balance and everyone is trying to ruin my holidays. I certainly didn’t know how wrong it would be since 2001 and how my friends would succeed.

But again the girlfriend experience is like the ground floor experience: you spent some time in an elevator with strangers in a confined space. I thought I knew the girl because I knew myself.

Yes dear reader: the minute you start to wonder who you are, it will be the beginning of the end for your relationships. I guess you must not forget your identity. Let me introduce myself: music lover, astronomy fan and victim of a bank.

Nicolas Sursock

Nicolas is a musician. His work now focuses on digesting 10000 songs of jazz, blues, soul, rock, funk and electronic. He plays the guitar if he's not blogging!