I'm neurotic to the bone, no doubt about it. Since the Beirut blast (the explosion that devastated districts of Beirut), I think I'm feeling helpless every day. Is it another bad case of survivor's guilt?
If you spend your life with feelings of guilt and shame, I can assure you your life will be miserable. Eric Clapton created a rehab center for people suffering from those feelings.
Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be. And I don't post every day like I used to.
Survivor guilt is a mental condition that occurs when a person believes they have done something wrong by surviving a traumatic event when others did not, often feeling self-guilt. It's an awful feeling to experience, and you may have suicidal thoughts.
But I guess everyone knows about it when you reach some age in life. Everyone experienced some traumatic event after age 14.
Are You Able To Concentrate On Something?
The Beirut blast aggravated my symptoms. I was already a bit shaky for two years while writing this blog. But now my words won't come out right, and I'm not blogging like I used to.
I managed to write 300 posts in 2 years of blogging. It is a nice feat I'm proud of even though I do believe only 30% of posts are worth your time. That's because done is better than perfect. And blogging is a conversation.
I have a hard time writing something that makes sense. My words won't come outright. I may be a little depressive. The past makes you angry and nervous. And all we've got is this moment.
But right now all I can concentrate on is the failure of my love life and how it impacted all other areas of my life. Of course, geopolitics is also responsible for this.
Can You Think About Something Else Than This?
I have trouble concentrating. I can think of nothing but the Beirut blast right now. I don't know if we were lucky, but what I know is that it was too dangerous to store 3000 tons of explosives near a city. We weren't lucky because, even though we still have our home, we sympathize deeply with the people who suffered.
We'll never understand the sense of that kind of event. Criminal negligence or sabotage? The emotion is global, and several friends contacted me after the blast.
I never thought my mind could be controlled like this. Having bad obsessions is a real challenge for the human psyche. The Beirut blast is our new obsession.
I can't sleep, I can't eat: there's no doubt, we're in deep. It resembles love to a certain degree. The problem might be that we're not careful. It was dangerous to store those explosives near the port.
Did It Feel As Subtle As A Surprising Earthquake?
When the blast happened, I was talking on Skype with someone. Suddenly, we felt the Earth was shaking. And she hung up to see what's going on.
Another appointment was missed because of an awful event.
I feel guilty and ashamed for Lebanon. I'll never understand what went through the minds of the people who authorized to store 3000 tons of explosives near the city. I guess it will be another nice memory to hold on to.
People will remember their lives before the Beirut blast. But I guess it didn't do damage like the coronavirus yet. Corona killed 800,000 people as of today. This year is a catastrophe, and we wonder how we will forget about it.
Was It A New Emotion To Destroy Entire Districts?
Overall, the Beirut blast sounded like the coup de grace for Lebanon in the middle of a revolution. Let's not forget the Lebanese lira who lost a lot of its value since last October, and banks who won't allow Lebanese to access their money.
This year will be remembered as a horrible year, and we will have memory problems for a long time I think. I'm writing today with deep pain. Some feelings won't go away like "wtf is it a declaration of war"?
Who is responsible for the Beirut blast? Let's look at who profits from the crime.
Yes, your mind will play tricks on you, and the word brain rhymes with the word rain and pain. When I think of the rain, I'm thinking about crying.
The year 2020 will be remembered as the year of all dangers — seriously menacing our memories and giving us cold sweat every day. How can something so good (like Lebanon) go so wrong?